Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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