I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
where are my eyebrows?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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