Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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