I can text with my tongue
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
