Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
