if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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