if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
