Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
