yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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