Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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