Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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