Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
