And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You are the jesus of drinking
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
