i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
