So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
