Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
