sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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