I just cut my nipple shaving
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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