i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
