We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
