Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
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