she was so not down for the gang bang
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
