The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
