I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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