I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
