You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
