Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
