I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
