I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
two words: eviction party
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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