You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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