im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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