it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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