why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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