If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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