i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
