see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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