Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
My balls are so social today.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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