also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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