So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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