i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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