No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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