When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
