Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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