I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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