Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
