Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
