This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
