I wanna passion pit in your ass
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
