there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
