Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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