I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
