They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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